I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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