I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
