I want to have your abortion
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
