Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
how does that bad decision feel?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
