his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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