Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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