I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize