can u get pink eye on your cock?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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