Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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