Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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