so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize