i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
