my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize