Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
