woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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