Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
