My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
