need another drink. this is the easiest way
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you had me at cake vodka
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
