I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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