I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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