Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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