There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
