but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
