the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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