I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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