I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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