You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
