don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
