my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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