I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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