When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
