I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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