Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
This house was built for laser tag.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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