After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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