Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
