I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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