I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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