i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
