My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
