Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
