I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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