Got a toothbrush?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
