Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
