I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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