thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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