I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
