I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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