I think I won the penis lottery.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
