Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
