Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
