I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
