tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
