he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
