I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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