threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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