I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i think my mom watched the whole time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
