dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
