I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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