There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
