Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
