I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
