i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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