Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
