FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
