meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
