Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize