I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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