That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize