If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
