Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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