She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
