i already hear my dad disowning me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize