Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
