Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
