Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When did angry sex become our thing?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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