the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
50% drunk capacity currently
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
