I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Randomize
