life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
