So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
